The thing about having a sense of purpose…
I wrote a couple paragraph entry about how I feel today but when I read over it again it was completely incomprehensible. It’s not that I have doubts about what I’m doing, living here in LA, committing two years to my writing, switching to Antioch and potentially wasting a years worth of graduate credit, all those choices were really good ones, and what I wrote made it sound as if I was re-thinking that. I’m not, really. I just have days where I can’t give a shit about these intangible things I’ve tethered myself to (success, notoriety, making a difference, being fully understood) and when I don’t give a shit, I don’t have anything to fall back on. When I lived at home, I could just go out and spend some money with my mom or my sisters, I could get all glammed up, or go to a bar, or just wander around the freaking natural history museum taking stupid pictures with my friends, or piss away a couple hours watching movies with my dad. I don’t have any of those things here, which makes days like this complete torture.
I’ve been thinking a lot about those safety nets the last two days. My dad’s dad died yesterday, and while his father and I weren’t personally very close, the first thing I thought was that that makes him an orphan. And while I think that perhaps my father might have considered himself at least emotionally orphaned a long time ago, the stark reality is that he doesn’t have that net. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t go back to those people, that one safe place. I try not to think about my parents dying, but it’s hard not to when you witness them going through something like this, when it’s so easy to see yourself in them.
It’s not the first time I’ve thought about quitting and moving back home, especially not while I was in Fresno. I think if I hadn’t got into Antioch, I would have packed up my truck and moved to Mankato in 30 seconds. All this just makes me wonder if time apart from them is time wasted, and I have the feeling it’s going to make it a very lonely week. My mother and my aunt were supposed to fly in tonight to stay here for four days, and while I know my mom did the right thing by staying with my dad through this, their absence during this time makes things worse. I cleared my schedule to try and get my head right today, but tomorrow I think I’m going to try and venture out to the West Hollywood Book Fair for a good solid distraction.
